Where It All Began

22nd January |
newupe |
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Please stop!! Take this pain away. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate this on and on and on, mind numbing pain minute after eternal minute. How long is a minute anyway, last time I looked it was 60 seconds! When is this going to end, but it doesn’t, it just keeps on going, every fibre in my body is screaming at me to stop. “That’s all you have to do is STOP!” The voice in my head is getting louder, the pains in my muscles are getting stronger, the will to continue is getting weaker.

Maybe I shouldn’t have opened that second bottle of wine last night. It was so enticing, the rich red luxurious colour, that lovely full bodied flavour, the smell that only a good bottle of the best red can give and of course the promise of oblivion …’to hell with tomorrow, who cares anyway” I thought. I was already drunk when I did it. I knew right there I was trouble again.

Why did I do it? I’m a mess, a complete loser. I can’t see straight. I think I’m going to puke. There’s a vice grip on my brain and someone keeps tightening it. I hate me! Who did I offend anyway, I wonder? I remember snatches, Suzzy getting up “David it’s time to go to bed. It’s 2.30 am.” A child crying, oh no did I wake the kids again! Shit I can’t remember. Now the guilt, how long will it take for me to make up, yet again. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry. It won’t happen again.” I say but it will, probably in the next few days. Shit I hate me. I wish I was dead.

“Push harder, one more rep, come on you can do it,” shouts the voice. I am looking up at Larry, the eccentric muscle bound personal trainer towering over me, through my squinting eyes. “It’s easy for you to say” I grunt. I detect a slight grin on his face. I hate you more than I hate me. I hate everything! This place is a nightmare it has the look and feel of some macabre medieval torture chamber, the stale smell, the pulsating noise of some dreadful pop song. Its 6.30 am switch it off!

And then it comes, a couple of simple sentences that will change me and my destiny for ever.

“You know what, Dave?” “No what, Larry” I reply “This is not for a couple of months. This is for the rest of your life and here’s the kicker it never gets any easier.”

Somewhere down deep in the recess of my soul, a tiny little voice is awakened. “You can do this, you can change. You are better than what you have become.” I’m listening, please help me God. Help me re write the story because I am lost swimming in this sea of doubt, uncertainty, self-loathing and disgust. Love will prevail. I am going to leave the stench behind and change. Venture into an unknown space, a seriously scary space. It’s not going to be easy, but it must be done. I know this in the pit of my soul. I will not give up, ever. I will do what has to be done – achieve the seemingly impossible and rise up.

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